Sober

The fact that there are two meanings of the word ‘sober’ is no coincidence. Tonight I discovered that the two meanings are linked intrinsically. I naively decided to give town a go sober. I thought ‘hmm, it’ll be wonderful. I won’t have a hangover tomorrow morning and I’ll save some money.’ I don’t think I fully understood the effects of alcohol. In health class they always just tell you the PC things like ‘alcohol leads to liver failure’, ‘drinking to excess is irresponsible’ and ‘never drink and drive’. They never tell you the benefits of drinking like the sudden burst of energy or the loss of inhibitions or the fact that you can graze your knees and still feel like you’re on cloud nine. Alcohol just kind of numbs everything (after all the numb cheek test is the best way to find out if you’re drunk or not). You can last for the whole night in heels that are far too high to be practical and you don’t notice the dodge guy wearing a ‘bon iver’ t shirt and smoking weed. Instead life is just a wonderful blur of pumping music and bright colours.

Tonight I discovered that alcohol not only numbs you physically it numbs you mentally as well. It’s like a wonderful warm hobo robe that keeps you safe from the cold. I know that’s kind of contradictory to like everything that Ms Morrison said in year 9 health but let me explain. When you’re in town sober you notice everything. All of the bitchy glances that come your way, the fact that guys are taking advantage of girls who are struggling to stand up. You suddenly have one of those ‘why am I even here?’ moments. And in the very next moment you realise that you really don’t want to be there. I felt absolutely everything. Everything. When I’m wearing my alcohol robe then I can shrug off the bitchiness and the stares that make me feel like I’m exactly one metre tall. But without that protection it just makes it all so much harder. I think tonight taught be a valuable lesson. Every so often you need to go out in the storm. We can’t live sheltered lives because automatically it means that we can’t do anything to fix the big bad world. 

Before I sign off tonight then I just have to share one fear with you that’s plaguing my mind. Have I changed? I like to believe that I’m still the big, bold vivacious Camilla that I was last year. I’m just scared I’ve lost the one thing that I’ve always loved about myself; my vivacity. My bold take on life. The fact that I’m willing to give absolutely anything a go even if it scares me shitless and I’ll do it with a smile on my face.  I hate questioning myself like this. I just need to make a firm assertion. I am me. I am Camilla. I am bold. I am a good person. I am going to change the world.

3 Good Things

*Ana helping me to muck out my paddock... Totally didn’t expect you to help. Absolutely made my day! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you! Oh and you even like Fox!

*Rick and Beka. I just really needed a good meaty discussion and you guys opened your ears and listened to me instead of just thinking about what you were going to say next.

*Finally starting to get stats.... I’ll get there soon! All of this t stuff is tough!